Bitchface Barbie

Today, Bitchface Barbie came back. She pays her electric bill here every month, and at least every few visits she has...an issue. I haven't mentioned her before, but today she made her mark on the world. Her real name is Lisa, but let's call her Bitchface Barbie, or BB.

The most outstanding feature of Bitchface Barbie is her chest: she has the biggest fake boobs I've ever seen outside of a cheap porn movie. They are ginormous, and they make one big uniboob across her chest. She has very fake bleached blonde hair with brown stripey lowlight streaks in it. She tans, a LOT. She applies makeup with a trowel, and some of the colors are very Tammy Faye. She insists on wearing very tight clothing, even though she's about a size or two bigger than the clothes she puts on. She might have been cute in high school and still thinks she's a cheerleader; that might explain her attitude. Every visit starts out the same: I see those honkin' huge boobs, a lightbulb of recognition starts a spark in my brain somewhere, and by the time she's plopped down her bill and I see the name, it hits me: Uh oh, expect a rude bitch fit! (She rarely disappoints.) She has a very distinct name, it's similar to a former friend so I recognize it every time. (Well, the huge balloons are a start.)

I don't know how to put her attitude into words: She's very fake-y nice, like "giggle giggle, flirt flirt", almost like the strippers. You can tell she does not prefer the company of women at any rate, since they probably see right through her. But the second she hears something she does not want to hear, it's like someone pulls off the Happy Bitch mask and reveals the Bitchface. She goes from fakey sweet to raging wench in seconds. It's a marvel, it has to be some kind of world record. Today was one such day.

I was waiting on another lady, who decided to answer her phone and talk to her 'boo' right in the middle of me taking her bill. I started to tell her that I could not take it here, she needed to take it to a contracted payment center as it was a shutoff and they wanted the payment today. (We take 1-3 business days and the utility will not accept our receipt over the phone so they cannot call it in. There are signs everywhere stating this.) Well, she was so involved in talking to her 'boo' that I left her to stew in her rudeness and came face to face with Bitchface Bazongas. She pushed her bill into my face and I saw the name, and the recognition clicked right in. She also had a disconnect notice; of course she is too busy paying for her fake tan and blonde bleachjob hairdo and fake nails, they are more important than her bills so she almost always has past due bills. This causes a problem because she wants to call in her electric bill, every time, despite the million signs she obviously cannot or will not read. Let us not underestimate the amount of time I have spent, repeatedly, telling her this same fact on all the other occasions she has brought in a late electric bill and then turned into a raging wombat when I told her that we could not get it credited that day.

So, Bitchface is standing there, she mentions she needs to call in the bill. (Again. GOD please don't make me go through this with her AGAIN.)

Me: If you need to call this in, you'll have to go to a contracted center.
BB: No, I won't call it in from here, I read your sign.
Me: If you need to call it in, you'll have to take your bill to a contracted center, they won't accept our receipt if you pay it here.
BB: Ok I won't make you call it in. I get it. I'll call them later.
Me: (about to smack the brunette back into her hair!) No, what I am saying is, if you need to call it in, you'll have to find a contracted center to pay it, we are not contracted with them and they will not accept our receipt when you call it in. It will be as if you did not pay it today. That is what the signs on the door and (showed her the others) say.
BB: I thought that sign meant you can't call it in from here. (??)

At this point, the lady talking to her Boo on the phone actually suspends her phone call long enough to interject that she too, thought the signs meant she could not stand in the store and call the receipt in. Can there be this many dumb cunnies in one location? SO now I have two bitches who don't want to hear what I'm saying and are working themselves into a tizzy. MissTalkToHerBoo starts snatching up her bill and getting mouthy; she actually has a shutoff notice that was to have been paid TWO DAYS AGO or it would be shut off today. She thinks it reads that she has until today to pay it; she is not wanting me to tell her if she pays it here she is going to have her service turned off. Of course it's all my fault that she's a dumbass who does not pay her bills on time and is now having to be inconvenienced in her search for a place to pay her bill. Gotcha.

Me: Explains that we are not contracted and these bills are past due and that they will get shut off if they pay them at my store. I'm only trying to help them, I should just take their money and shrug when they call back later furious because they were shut off, since they should have read the signs or L-I-S-T-E-N-E-D!

BB: (starts to get really angry and petulant and bossy) ALL I have to do is give them the receipt number! That's all I have to do. When you give me the receipt, I will call it in. (She's saying this in a very staccato, pinch-mouthed, eyebrow-wagging, head bobbing way.) Truly it's amazing that a white chick can get that head bobbing thing down like that. I was impressed. Maybe she learned that trick while servicing strange men in bar parking lots.

Me: (had enough) Look, we go through this almost every time you come in to pay your bill. CALM DOWN. We are not contracted, you need a batch number, our receipt does not have one, you CANNOT call it in to the utility unless you find out where a contracted center is, which will give you a receipt with the number on it that the representative will ask you for. IF you pay it here, they will shut you off. Period.

And, she actually calmed down a little. She just ratcheted her BitchFactor from 20 down to about 15. At this point another customer interjected and told her the same thing I was telling her. She snatched her bill up, and left, talking just under her breath. (Maybe those giant balloons restrict her breathing?) She stomped out to her car as well. All I could think for about an hour was that maybe the silicone is leaking out of her chest and it's causing her to have a really nasty personality disorder?

What's so amusing is that I'm off work a few hours later, on my way home, and I stop at the grocery store to get a few needs. I'm not even thinking about work or the White Trash Morons who interjected themselves today...(wait til you hear about Mister Blueball.) I hear this annoying voice a few feet away; it's Bitchface Barbie and her teenage daughter Bitchface Skipper! Now I know where Bitchface Barbie gets her wardrobe; she is squeezing her stuff into her teen daughter's clothes. It all became so crystal clear at that moment. And her daughter acted just like her mom. As she walked by me, I smiled at her and asked her, "Did you find a place to take your electric bill today?" BB just stopped and stared at me like I'd just grown a big penis out of my forehead. OH no wait she did not look at me fondly.... she just looked startled and puzzled and at a loss. Finally it clicked, and she said, "Oh yes I went way out of my way to (next city) and paid it. It was really out of the way. I don't even live there any more." I told her I was glad she got it taken care of. (While laughing my ass off, there was a contracted center only a little ways down the road, if she had called and asked the utility.) HA.

I rewarded myself with some Chinese after that.