No Habla Blah Blah!

Picture yourself thinking about moving to another country. Of all the things you consider before moving to this other country; isn't language one of them? So say if you were moving to, oh, GERMANY, wouldn't you at least get a grasp on rudimentary German? One would think so.

Tell me why, every day, I get at least one person who either cannot or will not understand even the basics of English? Please explain this to me. Hello, I don't care whether you came here legally or illegally, (well I really do...)...but for gawd's sakes at least learn SOME English? You have to pay bills and transact business, can't you just freaking learn a few English words? Because sorry buddy, you are living here now, and I just don't remember every damned Spanish word I learned in High School decades ago. I can call your mother an ugly cow or a whore, maybe count to thirty, but give me a break here. And when I do speak your language, don't look at me like I just shouted 'screw your mother!"

Be prepared for a whole list of blog entries dealing with People Who No Speak English. (And this includes some Vietnamese, Laotians, Cambodians, etc. It ain't just the border crossers from down South!) I really, really love having to deal with their six year old child who can speak English but barely; they rely on these kids to translate what they do not understand.

Couple months ago, a couple came in with their approximately 6 year old daughter. The couple did not speak English whatsoever, and my limited Spanish was not getting through to them what I was trying to convey ... that their bill, if paid at our shop, would take three business days to get to the utility. We even had a Spanish sign telling people what they needed to know, but as far as I can tell, no one ever read it. (Do these people not read their own language, either?) I told the couple about the delay in the bill reaching the utility, their daughter chattered to them and then they left. They came in a few days later; the bill was now close to being due. I told them again that if they paid it here, it would take three days to get there. Their daughter chattered some more, and they left. I was wondering what she was saying to them, as I didn't really listen to what she was saying. (I can understand a whole lot more than I can speak.) A few days later they came back again, and now the bill was past due. I told them again that if they paid it here, it would be three business days and it would be late now. Daughter chattered to them again and this time I heard her tell them they had to come back in three days (which upset them because they had already been here twice). This kid was telling her parents, that I had told them to come back in three days. TWICE. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This is what happens when you rely on your KID to translate for you and the kids do not have a clue what is going on, sorry. I cringe when they come in and think their kid is going to translate for them, and I can't get it through to the kid any better than I can to the parent or grandparent. Some days you just have to say, screw it. Either they learn to cope in the country they have chosen to reside in, or Darwinism will eventually weed them out!

We have a couple of male hispanics who come in to browse (and I think steal) tools. They are hoodlums, to be kind. Big gangbanger do-rags on their heads. They pretend they do not speak any English but I'm certain they have a small vocabulary of understanding as, if they WANT to, they can almost understand you. Trying to speak Spanish to them, in the few words we know, makes them sneer and laugh. Can you believe it? One of them actually repeated back what one of our employees had said to him, in a mocking and sneering tone. The employee was making more of an effort to speak Spanish than this culo had made at speaking English; and uh what country are we in? 'Taint Mexico. Whatta dick. They sure looked around when I said "ladron" (thief) to my brother. Huh!

We have another hispanic lady (ahem) who was caught shoplifting from us. She was told to leave. She had paid her utility bill right before being caught stealing so we had her name/address. (No one said the woman was smart.) She keeps coming in to pay her bill, and we found missing t-shirts after her trip by the t-shirt rack, we just didn't catch her stuffing them. But, we know she steals, and we make no pretense of watching her when she wanders around the store. She's gotten the message. She used to chatter to me in small talk, which I could follow pretty well. Now she just pays her bill and is very sour-faced. Oh boo hoo, you can't shoplift any more, poor senora.

I'm trying to think of what to say when, after the customer hands me their bill and I ask them what they want to pay...and I get..."No English!". Or worse. Oh? Ok. Why is it then my responsibility to suddenly pull the appropriate Spanish phrases out of my ass? You came to my country to live and work, hopefully you'll learn enough English to get you through the essentials like, oh, PAYING BILLS! My high school spanish class was pretty much a bunch of bullcrap like what time is it, good evening, what's your name, and how old are you. I'm not there to have social hour, I'm supposed to take their payments for their utilities. Since most of them are here illegally, they do not have checking accounts, so they can't mail off checks; I'm IT for their payment option and I don't fricking speak Spanish damnit! Nor should I have to! I work in the UNITED STATES.

Ah and the kids....most of them don't speak English until they get into school. (And then the overburdened school system has to teach them English, taking away from the kids who already speak it and have to wait while these kids catch up.) A little girl came in with her mom awhile back, and I asked her what her dolly's name was. She had a little baby doll, and the girl was just so cute. The kid looked terrified and ran behind her mom. Her mom said, "She no speak english. She no understand you" Oh, right, sorry. Silly me!

Until recently we had a lady come in who did not know how to read or write Spanish OR English! Can you believe it? And her English was non-existent. She would have me fill out money orders for her and address the money orders to a title company and to various bills. She would speak Spanish to me (which I tried to understand because I could not write anything out for her to read) and I'd speak what little I could back to her, and we got the job done between the two of us. She had like..five kids, and they were very broke. She even asked me what incense to burn to get a job. (?) I felt very sorry for her and tried to help her because it seemed that she had a husband who just kept saddling her with kids and she had to do it all herself. Her kids were very well behaved and polite, and spoke perfect English; but they were mostly in school when she was needing to pay bills and get her household chores done so she would come in and talk to me. She has not come in for over a year now and I wonder what happened to her. At least she tried to adapt to her new surroundings but she was hampered by not being able to read or write ANY language. That has to be tough.

"It's them beaners and blacks!"

Two gals come into the shop; they want to look at our extensive sword collection. Both are long-time customers; one is a druggie married to a druggie. The other used to be a stripper; she still ACTS like a stripper, but with her missing teeth and formerly-drug-ravaged body (used to be skeletal but gained it back and then some) she could be the poster child for White Trash. Add in the fact that she prefers to run around barefoot and in a voluminous house dress, hair pulled up in a Scrunchie (greasy hair at that), with no make-up to hide her scarred-from-meth-use skin, no bra holding in her meth-boobs, she's a real sight.

Well, druggie wants a sword because some neighborhood thugs are harassing her ten year old son. These thugs are adults. I suggested that instead of using a (decorative) sword, she should call the police. StripperDruggie emphatically states, "That don't do you no good, they're beaners! You call the cops on beaners and blacks and they don't do nuthin!" Really? Because to believe the news, if you are black, you are racially profiled and stopped more often just BECAUSE of your race. Huh! To think it's really not so? Druggie agrees, saying these are adults picking on her kid just because he's white and they are 'beaners'. Call me crazy, but having that kind of view on other people and using those terms wouldn't really seem to endear you to your neighbors, wouldn't you think? Both ladies went on a tangent about how these 'beaners and blacks' in their neighborhood picked on the ten year old boy and how sick they were of it, and how they were going to cut somebody and teach them a lesson. I gently suggested that taking a (decorative, not functional) sword outside to swing at someone would get them arrested at best; both ladies scoffed and proclaimed, "I'd rather be in jail than have these beaners pickin' on my boy!" Oh-kay. I forgot, you both are on Disability so you won't have a job to lose when you don't show up for it after being arrested. Check off THAT worry. I suggested they get a restraining order on the thugs, to which they protested, 'don't know their names!" I told them you don't have to know their name if you know where they live; the police can get that for you, while they are taking your report of adults threatening a minor. They got this blank stare, both of them....as they contemplated which (decorative, not functional) sword they were going to take home to swing at the thugs who dared threaten their child! I tried to suggest perhaps pepper spray or a stun gun, but they would have nothing less than a Japanese-style sword or big machete (decorative, not one of our functional knives). Then StripperDruggie's husband (also toothless and clueless) came in and piped up about how they's gonna get a gun and pop a cap into one or more thugs who 'stepped on our prop'ty!" Thank GOD they don't have the money to buy a gun. I would really hate to have to sell them one; some people are too stupid to have that kind of responsibility. I know they would not fork over the $300 needed for their concealed carry permit; these hillbillies would probably be dumb enough to put the gun right under the front seat of their truck and drive around with it, and not understand why it would be taken away from them in a traffic stop when a police officer pulled them over for that expired license and tail lights that don't work.

"Hello! I Can't Understand You!"

Ah, telemarketers. They call all day. May they rot in hell!

We get sales calls ALL. DAY. LONG.
They call to sell us Cialis. They call to 'update our free online listing'. They call to try to sell us credit card services. Debt Collections. And on, and on and on. When they call I give them a fake name if they ask who I am, so that in the future when they call, we know they are a salesperson.

What's so annoying is that most of these salespeople are foreigners; they are obviously sitting in Calcutta or Malaysia and reading off a script. If you are going to call and harass me, at least speak clearly enough so that I can understand you! I've resorted most days to just repeating, "What? What did you say? I can't understand you!" until they hang up. But some days, it's just fun. Try telling them, "Can you speak English please? I can't understand your language" and then they insist (often angrily) that they ARE speaking English! The madder they get, the worse it is.

*The Asians who keep calling to see if we want Cialis or Viagra; I sobbed one day and told the guy on the phone that the Cialis they sold my husband killed him. The guy said, "Dunt cry, do you take any medicines?" (Here I was a grieving widow and they are trying to SELL ME MEDS??) I 'sobbed' louder and he hung up. But other vultures call with the same spiel. Usually I just pretend I can't understand them, or I tell them that I'm a Christian Scientist and drugs are against my religion. Or that I have a big strap on so I don't need anything to enhance my erection. (I'm a woman)

*The credit card sales people. They are relentless! You can't get these pukes off the phone for anything. So, I finally resorted to, "We don't accept credit cards, they are the tools of the Devil." About half the time they thank me and hang up, the other half they go... "Huh?" or make other such puzzled musings. But, they never argue with me. (I'm waiting!)

*The collection agencies, promising to prosecute your bad checks at 99% success rate or better! They are always from another state (Thank you, Caller I.D.!) but they try to convince you they are right in your town. I always tell them we don't have bad checks, if they persist then I tell them we don't take checks because checks are tools of the devil. Then, they hang up.

*The 'appointment setters', they call wanting to schedule you a window cleaning, carpet cleaning, office cleaning, etc. They always say they are calling for so-and-so company right in our town. (But their phone number is always another state) I always ask, "Really, you are right here in (my town)?" and they insist they are. So then I say, "Huh, I didn't know we had a so-and-so company here, which office are you calling from?" And they always finally admit that they are calling from another state and they are an appointment setter. I always tell them that we pay illegals a dollar a day to do all our cleaning, thanks anyway. (We do our own cleaning. But I'm waiting for Immigration to call any day now.)

*The annoying sales jerks who won't take 'no' for an answer; I tell them to mail us materials. Well, one guy did, and his prices were so unbelievably high, it was unreal. So next time he called I told him no thanks. Only problem is, he KEPT calling; asking for my alias. He would not take no for an answer, so every time he called I told him I needed another catalog, as I had not gotten the last one (or three LOL) he'd sent. He finally got the message; no more calls, no more catalogs.

*The fundraisers! Most people don't know that when you get one of these fundraiser calls (Fireman, Police, handicapped kids, etc.) it's not the charity themselves, but a paid fundraiser who can take as much as 40% of all money raised. I won't deal with these people even as a private citizen, but to have them calling at work and INSISTING they are directly calling from so and so charity (when the caller ID shows they are not), really pisses me off. So now when they call, the gloves are off.
"Hello I'm calling on behalf of handicapped children": Why, can't they use the phone?
"Hello I'm calling on behalf of the police department": Our tax dollars aren't enough?
"Hello I'm calling for the fire department": They let my house burn down
You get the idea.

*Only slightly less annoying; the people trying to get handicapped people placed into jobs. Now, I worked with this type of agency a long time ago, I know they have a purpose. We only hire family members, and we do not have any job openings. However, when a job placement person gets on the phone and insists that yes we could help them out, and will not just politely say 'thank you' when I politely tell them no thanks, that gets really old. They push and push and argue, despite being told flat out that we are not hiring, period. I'm having to stop helping my customers to talk to you on the phone, and by being so pushy you are not helping your cause! I've finally resorted to telling them (after they refuse to hang up) that we don't hire the handicapped (ha). That usually sets them off. One even told me it was illegal to discriminate and I couldn't do that. (ha ha ha!) I told her to call the handicapped police on us, and hung up. Come on, you just aren't helping your cause by being so annoying.

*We used to get regular calls from various places that sell pens made by the handicapped (so they claim). Apparently one of the places we bought pens from sold our name. We've told them no a million ways, but they still call. So now when they call and identify themselves as selling pens made by handicapped people, I say, "You sell pens made by handicapped people?" and they go on and on about how they are benefitting these people they are exploiting; so I then say, "No, we can't get any good pens made by handicapped people, they don't work!" and along those lines. The calls have slowed down dramatically. We must be on the handicapped-salesperson-do-not-call list.

"I had him because I could!"

We have a couple who have been loan customers with us for several years. They are very ODD. I imagine she is with him because he's the only man who would have sex with her; he is probably with her because without her, his bills would not get paid and he'd just be another loser outrunning the creditors. Let's call them KC.

KC had a baby awhile back; he sure was cute. Then he started to walk, and they pretty much decided that it was ok to just let him go in our store while they ignored him. Now, our store is not kid friendly; it's that way for a reason. We don't sell anything for kids, the business is for adults, so there is no reason for kids to be set loose. We have tools, saw blades, sharp things like machetes, breakable items, etc. It is not a store where you turn your kids loose, like I see people do at family-centric retail stores. I am not a babysitter, you are responsible for the babies you birthed, so just watch them for chrissakes. That's all we ask!

Well, not KC. MomKC gets VERY UPSET if you tell her, or her husband, to watch their kid. She gets very unhappy when you have to physically retrieve her child FOR HER because she and her husband either cannot or will not hear you telling them to go get their kid, he has something sharp, don't climb the glass shelves, etc. It's like they are willfully ignorant you are all but screaming "GO GET YOUR KID!"

A few months ago KC couple come in and their kid is into everything, while they are ignoring him. He's two now. You don't turn your back on a two year old, ANYWHERE! But they apparently don't get it. Several times I've had to tell mom, and dad too, hey he's got this, he is climbing on that, go get him, etc. Every time, mom gives me this look like she's wanting to smack me. Hey fine, but get your kid first. I'm in the middle of trying to get a transaction done for her husband (who is off looking at movies while she is at the counter and the kid is running EVERYWHERE)....and I hear this shrieking wail. Her brat is behind our knife counter, clear back in the corner...how did he get that far back into a restricted area if a parent is watching?? Well, my very kid-friendly dog is within a few feet of him, the kid is stark terrified and screaming his head off. I've many times told his mom to keep him out from behind our counter because we do have a dog that hates kids and will bite if they come back there. I'm telling the kid to come out of there, he's standing and shrieking, so I picked him up and took him out to mom. She says angrily, "He's AFRAID OF DOGS!!!" I told her, well then watch him because he should not have been back behind my counter! She looks like she's about to start cussing.

Next time in, we have the kid literally running everywhere and touching everything again. Again, I have to say something to mom and dad, several times. They act like I'm some really mean harassing person and it's annoying the piss out of them that I keep pointing out to them that they have a child. I see the kid messing with our incense display (glass shelves); he's knocking fragile ceramics over left and right. I'm hollering "Don't touch that sweetie, put it down" and he looks RIGHT AT ME and keeps knocking stuff over. Mom is looking at me like I'm yelling "HI YA YA" , dad is ignoring all of this. ONE of us needs to do something, guess it's me, so I walk around and physically remove him from where he is standing. Next thing I know he's SCREAMING and climbing up me like I'm a tree. Mom finally snaps out of her fog and comes over; "He's scared of the dog!" My dog (who loves kids) had followed me out onto the floor when I ran out from behind the counter. The kid is clinging to me, yeah that's sweet but sheesh kid if you had been by your mom we would not be in this situation. (He really is a cute kid, but they are not doing him any favors here.) Mom snatches him back, and they leave after that.

Today, here they come again. Mom goes to the counter and turns her back on dad and kid; kid runs to the tool aisle and grabs a huge ratchet handle and starts swinging it around. Yes, there are glass displays right by there, we have other customers, other items that can be broken. Not to mention the parents would probably scream 'sue' if their precious little tyke hurt himself while they were willfully careless. Dad is nowhere to be found; he just can't be bothered, ever. I did the usual "Put that down sweetie, come over here by mom". Kid ignores me, swings harder, mom just stands there doing nothing. Dad is clueless. Finally I directly told the dad to go get his kid; he stands by him and watches him swinging the tool. I needed dad to sign something, so I called out for dad to come sign. He turns his back on the kid and starts to walk away from him! (WTH??) So I said, "Bring him with you when you sign this!" and only then does it occur to him to notice that he has a kid somewhere. I'm needing a drink by this point. (And I don't drink). Mom says, "It was so much easier when he was in a car seat!" YA THINK???? I'd like to strap his ass into one NOW!

Just seeing them coming into the store, I can feel my blood pressure spiking. Would it be rude to hand them a roll of duct tape as they enter? And why is it, the less likely someone is to raise a child properly, the more fertile they are????

"Earth to Aiden!"

Guy comes in to pay a bill. Brings a toddler boy with him, who promptly runs over to the tools area while daddy ignores him. I called out to the boy, "Honey, come back over here with daddy, ok?" Daddy feebly calls out, 'Aiden, Aiden, come over here...." but boy ignores him and starts to pick up (fragile, non-toy) figurines.
I said, "Young man, put those down and come back over with your dad!" Daddy turns to me with a very pissed off look and says, sarcastically, "He's TWO, like he understands you!"
I was really taken aback; I understand a parent not wanting a stranger correcting their child, but it's simply a matter of watching your kid. Period. End of story! I understand, really, but where is your embarrassment that someone HAD to say something to your offspring?
So I said to daddy, "I assume he understands the word 'no'? That's why we have a sign on the door about kids in here."
Daddy says sarcastically, smart-assedly, and snottily, "He's two, like he can read!" I replied, "Hopefully the parents can read." (hint hint, assface!)
Daddy says, "If he breaks anything then I'll pay for it." I told him it shouldn't get to that point if he's watching his kid.
Daddy was VERY upset by this point. He's called "AIDEN, Aiden" a hundred times, and little Aiden apparently can't understand a damned thing, because he's gleefully ignoring daddy and doing whatever he damned well pleases; just as he does all the time apparently.
Finally daddy physically retrieved Aiden, which made Aiden very unhappy, which in turn pained daddy that he had to deal with bratty Aiden.
As daddy has Aiden at the counter and tries to pay his bill, I hear a crash/clink sound. Aiden has managed to latch on to several ceramic items on a shelf right behind daddy, and since daddy can't be bothered to hold onto him or even watch him, Aiden is treating our merchandise as if it's free toy day at the Dollar Store. I sighed and stood there with daddy's bill and his money, staring pointedly at Aiden until daddy was forced to address his demon spawn. He was just about boiling mad at this point, and NOT at his kid! This was fascinating to me.
If that was my child... well I can't even paint that scenario. I always kept my kid WITH me and even (gasp!) picked him up so he could not touch/break/destroy things. But this daddy apparently only cared about making the Aiden happy, not raising him properly.

I hope he enjoys the Parenting magazine free trial that should hit his doorstep within a few weeks. Not that he'll read it. Aiden will probably tear it up long before daddy sees it.

Mary, Mary, Quite Cuntrary

No, that is not a typo. And yes, Mary is her real name.

So we have this customer named Mary. Mary is very special. Ten years ago she was told by one of the store owners never to come back; yet here we are ten years later still dealing with her, despite her repeated ill treatment of just about every person who has worked there. Her favorite action is to hang up on you when you are talking. Yeah, one of those kinds.

When I first started at the shop many moons ago, I was told about Mary, and it all seemed hard to believe; how could one person be so hateful, spiteful, dirty, filthy, and mean? And then one day, she called. But I did not know it was her; in fact it sounded like a man... and she asked about a loan in a man's name (her brother-in-law, I later found out). I said, "Who is this calling? I know Bob, and this is not him." He (she) said, "I'm NOT Bob! He's my BIL!" I said, "Calm down sir," and was interrupted by, "I'm a woman! I'm not a man! This is Mary ______!" (OOPS! I felt like such a heel...but honest to GOD she sounds like a three pack a day male smoker!) She proceeded to be very rude, surly, and generally unpleasant on the phone. She also loves to argue when you tell her interest is due on her loans; in five years she's never deviated from that script. Anyway, that was my introduction to the monster that is Mary. She was rude to the other two girls who worked there during this time; thank goodness for Caller I.D. though there was a scramble of 'your turn!' whenever her name popped up on it. On another day she was SO unpleasant, it was all I could do not to tell her to shove it and hang up on her. After the second or third time of her raising her voice to me and TALKING!LIKE!THIS!, I said, "Ma'am please don't raise your voice to me, I can't hear you when you shout"...and IT WORKED! She called back later that day and did the same yelling routine to the other girl working; the other girl said, "Please don't yell, I can't hear you when you yell"...and it worked! For almost a year, Mary was somehow able to keep a civil tongue in her head. But like most good things, it had to come to an end.

She called another time, accused me of being a 'liar' when I told her she had only paid once on an item as she insisted she was current. She likes to let things slide until they are almost due, and then pay a little but nowhere near what is due, then argue that she's been paying regularly. It's like dealing with a child. After being called a liar, having her yell at me, and then hanging up on me in mid-explanation, she was sent a letter by store owner telling her basically if she can't act like a decent human being, she was welcome to shop elsewhere (and in fact PLEASE do so). But no, like a festering sexual disease, she keeps coming back.

For an amusing twist; we had a new employee start a year ago. He ALSO called Mary "Sir" when she called asking about a loan, and got an indignant, irate response. Hey, she sounds manlier than he does on the phone. Whatchagonnado?

She came into the store once, and I almost ran screaming. She is about five foot tall and probably at least that wide. She does not bathe, and came in wearing a housecoat and slippers. They make sweats to fit, at least put some clothes on!! Greasy dank, lank hair. Body odor galore. So her personality rather fit her appearance! It was like hearing about Big Foot, and actually MEETING Big Foot! So this was the abuser on the other end of the phone. PHEWWWW she needs to stay on the phone.....

Her son comes in and pawns things, he's a real winner. He's done jail time, is slimy, and keeps trying to get loans on items that are missing parts and he insists, he swears!...that all the parts are there. Come on dude, you think no one else owns an iPod and doesn't know they come with headphones and a cable?? Give us a break, we are not as stupid as you are. He never likes the amount we are willing to loan him, and when we point out how much of his stupid crap we've owned, he denies it was him. (yawn!) He got a loan on a Playstation; and lost it because he did not manage to pay even two dollars of interest any time within 90 days. He had a serious fit when he found out it was out for sale. Someone had put that there was a memory card on the loan ticket; but we could not find a memory card when it went out for sale. (I think that was an oversight and it did not have one...) So in letting him pick up the item, we knocked some of the amount off to cover the 'lost' item. He STILL became mouthy and would not stop being a dick at the counter, even though he was charged zero interest and even more money was taken off for the memory card; the cards cost $20 at Walmart, he got a lot more than $20 knocked off the tab. But was it good enough? No. He yapped and bitched so much that my brother (who was helping him) finally said, "Dude, shut the f_ck up!" I almost fell down dead on the spot, he does NOT talk this way to customers. But the guy did shut the f-ck up. That day. (I'd like to get a shirt made that says 'Dude STFU' as a surprise....)

Fast forward, I get to work today and am told that Mary called yesterday and was so off the wall, that she was told she needs to go to another shop from now on. I was barely prepared when she called again today and I got to answer it. True to form, she was hateful and accusatory and ended up asking me all the same stupid stuff she already wasted time with yesterday; I patiently repeated it. She also lost some stuff that she cannot get back, as was told to her yesterday, but today she acted like she'd never heard any of this stuff. (Does she think we don't talk to each other around here?) Then she called back a second time and did it again. I finally told her she could come down here and deal with the owner but she didn't. She sent her BIL. I'm not sure what is wrong with him; maybe fetal alcohol syndrome or too much hillbilly inbreeding, he's nice but he is definitely low-functioning as is the majority of that family. I'd rather deal with him than her any day; he has his moments but he doesn't have her hatefulness. (He does buy a lot of porn! Maybe that's why he's so easygoing.)

Here's hoping that when the disability checks come out first of July, she takes all the family's checks somewhere else. It's worth it to be rid of her. It's like the phone rings and you know Satan is on the phone and he's going to suck your soul out of you. Some days when I see her name come up on the Caller I.D., I have to take a moment to draw a deep breath and brace myself to deal with her. If I wanted to take this kind of abuse, I'd go back to work for Wal-Mart, no thanks.

Oh You Sexy Thang!

Can anyone explain to me why there are some men who can only refer to women as "Sugar", "honey", or "Baby"? It's ok for my spouse to call me these things (beats 'bitch'!), but, really?

There are a handful of male customers who come into our shop, who defy understanding. They have never met me in their lives; they know nothing about me. In fact I'm taller than most of them, so maybe that's their way of coping.....but they refer to me as honey, sugar, baby, sweetie, darling, etc. (The Hispanic ones who call me "Baybeeee" or "hey, mamasita" are not as common, thank goodness.)

A typical smooth talker has a retro-70's pearl buttoned shirt OR maybe a shirt that used to have long sleeves, but for some reason the wearer has removed the perfectly-good sleeves and wears it like a buttoned vest. If copious amounts of chest hair and/or beer belly are exposed, they give themselves extra points for suaveness. Toss in the occasional gold chains or cigarette behind the ear (sometimes a toothpick hanging out of the corner of their mouth), and these scions of studly society are rockin'!

Many of them remind me of Conway Twitty. White trash men in their 50's or so, who must have lived through the Sexual Revolution and Playboy-instruction of the 1970's, who still think talking to women like that will get them laid. (Scratches head) Did that *ever* work, anyway? Has any woman ever just ripped their clothes off when referred to that way?? Maybe, one of their trailer neighbors??

It just makes me throw up in the back of my mouth. Grease has that effect on me.....

"Grouchy Is as Grouchy Does!"

We have a couple of male customers who are just rude as a matter of course. They come in every month to pay their bills; they can't be bothered to be nice. I call them "Mister Sunshine" (not to their faces).

Typically they'll come into the store with a bill, toss it onto the counter. If I'm lucky they have removed it from the envelope. Sometimes they have not bothered to open the envelope; so I'll hand it to them and cheerfully say, "Well let's get that open and we'll see what's due." Apparently what they hear me say is, "Put your testicles in a visegrip and twist!" if their facial expressions are any kind of indication. Sometimes they've refused to open it themselves, but they only do that once. I just smile and walk away and say over my shoulder, "I'm going to help this lady/man and when you get that opened I'll be right back over." Even if they shred the envelope in anger, they open it. (You get yourself a case of raging paper cuts after a day of dealing with envelopes and you'll get the same attitude!)

When I ask them, "How much do you want to pay?", a standard Mister Sunshine answer is to rudely bark, "Whatsit say?" Well, gee, assmunch, it doesn't 'say' anything, it's a piece of paper! How am I supposed to read your mind? So now I just pick the largest amt the bill shows, which is usually the late fee amount, and say that out loud. Suddenly, they CAN indeed say what they want to pay, and they are usually very hateful when they say it. But hey, it's dialogue! Speak up, I'm not with Miss Cleo's psychic friends network!

As I hand them any change, and their receipt, I am sweetly, syrupy nice to them, smiling and friendly and SO happy to have had that interaction with them, thank you for blessing me with your presence! (Some of them act like that pisses them off even more! LOL)

God, I love being nice to grouchy buttholes.

"I'm with the Moron Party!"

This one happened about six months ago, but the sheer stupidity of it still runs through my mind.

We have a customer, who also knows the family from 'way back'. Way back in the days when he hung out in strip clubs, dated strippers, etc. He's never had a lot of ambition for himself, steady employment has never been his life goal nor has he worked much to achieve anything other than subsisting. He frequently makes comments redolent with 'class envy' and his general view on life seems to be that everyone owes him something. Overall he's nice enough; he's not generally rude or anything. You know if a cashier gave him too much money he wouldn't say a word; he wouldn't return a wallet he found (at least not with any money in it). I'm sure everyone knows someone like this guy.

Apparently he developed a case of cancer a year back and is finally done with treatment. Of course to hear him tell it, it's all because he's poor and nonwhite that he didn't get some new or better treatment than what he was given. (He did not PAY for the treatment that eventually cured him, I might add. But that's apparently irrelevant.) He of course went on about how we need free health care here in the States, on and on. I did ask, "Well you did get free health care, so what gives?" He ignored that.

Then he started giving his knowledgeable political opinion. He gave this opinion in front of a store full of people, at some volume. He stated that "There ain't no terrorists! They attacked us cuz Bush and his fambly owed them money!" I thought surely, he's kidding, and I laughed. No sir, he was serious! So I asked him if that was true, did the Russians and the Spanish and the poor people in the UK also owe them money, as well as Israel? Rather than answer that, he repeated his 'Bush owed them oil money'. Wow. I had a Ron White moment: Ya can't fix stupid!

He's been in a few times since then. Still not caring much whether he works regularly, his lot in life has nothing of course to do with his lack of desire to be a responsible citizen. And that pack of smokes he carries around will surely not benefit his current cancer-free status. (But that will be everyone else's fault too if his cancer returns; he just wasn't cured properly the first time I'm sure.)

I hope he didn't have any kids, from the shallow end of the gene pool.

"Hey Sista Spare Some Change pt. 2"

In the same vein....

We have a male customer, used to be really nice looking and you can tell from the way he acts that he's accustomed to women 'doing' for him. He's nice enough, just annoying at times. He has loans with us and is frequently late paying them, gripes about how we 'rip him off'; he sure didn't mind taking the money in the first place! He just resents having to pay it back. Let's call him "Dirk".

A few months ago, Dirk came in to pay his electric bill. The electric company adds on a surcharge to the bill for paying it at our store. Dirk had a shutoff notice and he had to pay exactly what the bill said. He was short .76 cents. My father was helping him pay the bill, and Dirk leaned over the counter and motioned at me, and asked, "Hey can I borrow 76 cents?" I was taken aback by his question. (Why didn't he ask the man helping him? for one thing!) I told him I don't carry cash, sorry. He said, "Well I figured you'd help me out seeing as how you take so much of my money in here anyway!" Wow, what a dillweed. I didn't even know what to say; what I wanted to say probably would have gotten me fired. Guess he blew his bill money on cigarettes that day? Sure ask some woman to pay your bills, like the one you are shacked up with, ya loser.

"Sista Can You Spare Fifty Dimes?"

We have a couple who stop in weekly. They are....interesting. Is "interesting" a good word to describe people who are patently WEIRD? If so, then yes, they are interesting. A few years ago their kids were removed by SRS because their house was loaded with cat feces....oh, yeah, and the husband was making the kids speak Klingon. (You can't make this stuff up!) The husband is a little Manson-like in appearance; I can see him speaking Klingon as he's flinging cat feces...we'll call them Mr. and Mrs. Klingon from now on. (I'm sure there will be more stories about them to come!)

About two months ago Mr. and Mrs. Klingon entered the store, and Mrs. K. came over to a customer I was waiting on. The two had never met in their lives. The wife announces that her husband is cheating on her with one of his co-workers, and she's gonna kick both their asses! The customer was shocked and didn't know what to say; I was thinking, "WHO would sleep with that nasty guy?" but just tried to appear sympathetic to the distraught wife. After the husband and wife left, the lady leaned over to me and whispered, 'Who'd WANT his ass?" I couldn't help but almost wet my pants laughing!

Last week, Mrs. Klingon came into the store and asked me if she could borrow $5 or more. Now, having already lost an amazing sum of money in my young-and-stupid days loaning money to 'hard up' people who never repaid it, I've learned my lesson and the bank is closed. I told her sorry, I don't carry cash. She went on about how she needed to pay her phone and load some more minutes on it so she could talk on it; she just knew I'd have some money she could have until payday. I reiterated, with an apologetic shrug, sorry, I don't carry cash, I only use a debit card. Mrs. K. was so disappointed. It would never dawn on most adults to ask a stranger for money to put on their prepaid phone card, right? Tell me I'm right?