I'm SMOOTH Baby!

A guy came in to look in our jewelry case and the first thing I noticed about him is how he seemed like Target Trump; he TRIED to look like someone with a lot of money but something about him was just off. He picked up a ring that had a vintage style setting; it was not truly vintage but was vintage style. If you didn't know any better, at first glance you would think this was made in the early 1900's. The stone inside it was man-made. This guy tried to pretend he knew all about jewelry and said it was an old setting and that the stone was a real stone but had been treated, "like all these type of stones are". He even insisted that my jeweler was an idiot. I guess he totally missed the fact that it was stamped inside the ring by a manufacturer who has only been in business since the 1980's, and even someone with a vision disorder could look at this stone and see that it's essentially glass. My suspicions about him were confirmed in that instant, but moreso when he spoke to me condescendingly, as one would to a child who says there is a Santa Claus. He then started talking about how he makes $25,000 a month and owns property on an Island and in England----and I just laughed and walked away. What a bullshit artist, he must go into shady bars and talk like this to women on a regular basis! Got it, meet ten of you a month, moving on now.

He hung around for an hour, bullshitting with other employees that seemed to not notice or care that every subject this oily jerk expounded on, he had little or no knowledge of. I laughed aloud several times when he pronounced 'facts' about things that even the newest of employees would know are not true. Why anyone wasted their time talking to this creep, I couldn't figure out. He repeatedly mentioned his high income, his rich parents, how he bought a 10,000 square foot house for his mom, etc. It got so deep in there, I had to leave because he was making my skin crawl with his bullshittery.

Just to satisfy what I already suspected, I went outside to see what he was driving. He'd taken great pains to park very far from the front of our store, but all the other cars were accounted for so I knew it was his---a mid-80's Audi that looked like he'd gotten it on salvage title from a junkyard. No one who makes $25,000 a month would drive that rustbucket with mismatched rims and peeling paint, but a bullshit artist would.

After he left, I watched out the door and sure enough he got into that rattletrap Audi. He hasn't been back in awhile, thank goodness! I had enough oily cheese to last awhile.

Storage Hunters

We have a couple who proclaim themselves to be just like the "Storage Hunters", only they started out when they saw "Storage Wars" on television. I guess they didn't realize by then that the secret's out, or maybe they didn't realize how fake it all was. At any rate they always say how successful they have been, yet I can't understand why if they are so successful they have a billion loans with us.

The sad thing is, they keep hauling in all this junk they got in their units, and we have yet to buy anything from them. In fact I've told them many times myself that a majority of the items they could just toss in the trash. So far what we've seen is more like garage sale or thrift store fodder and even then I think that a place like DAV or Goodwill would just throw it away. Especially that old tape player with leaky D-cell batteries that corroded inside the player. THROW THAT SH*T AWAY! They seem nonplussed that we don't see the golden treasure that they have found, and often leave acting like we are simply ignorant of the vast riches they have proffered to us. The wife got insulted when I told her the piss-stained table cloth with the hand-crocheted (and mouse-munched) trim should have gone into the garbage. It's an antique and I just don't know.....that's ok.

They need to stop watching Reality TV and just flat out get a dose of reality.

Let Me Find My Cards

I've simply lost count of the number of times I ask someone for their identification, and they open up their wallet to display various credit cards.....and an EBT (foodstamp/welfare benefits) card. Better still are the ones who also have casino VIP player cards tucked in alongside the EBT cards! I guess this still beats the time a female customer asked me if she could use her foodstamp card to buy her boyfriend a ring..........

Hide The Felony

I was in the middle of a possible gun sale, questioning whether this person was serious or not and starting to figure he was just wasting my time. He seemed like a complete idiot and kept asking the most ridiculous questions. There is a reason this says 9mm, yes it does shoot 9mm ammunition. No, you cannot put your .22 ammo through it because it's cheaper. Then he started in with questions about a background check, questions that almost always leave me telling the person they need to go consult with their attorney. He did not disappoint. "I have eight felonies but they can only find three. I can still buy a gun, right?"

Why Does My Son Watch Porn on my Laptop?

Mom comes in, she looks like one of the Old Ladies from a Sons of Anarchy episode. She proudly tells me how she decorated her 14 year old son's room with a border of Playboy centerfolds.....while I stood there unable to control the look of disbelief on my face. (I'm sorry, it just took over, I thought maybe she was telling a joke!) Seeing my face, she dismissed my reaction with, "I didn't put up anything showing nothing nasty!" Maybe I'm not well-versed in Playboydom, but don't the centerfolds show the juicy bits?!?!?!

You Political Animal, You!

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How This Guy Gets Laid

We have a customer who's been coming in off and on for over a decade. He's very smarmy.

When I first met him, he was always very prissy and self-righteous and acted super religious all the time. Yet there was always this jerky side of him that kind of canceled out the righteous-ability of that. Several years ago he got a divorce, and he talked trash about his slutty ex to the point that I simply couldn't bring myself to hear another word of it. I'd cheat on him too if I had to look at those greasy chicken-liver lips all day and listen to his whining about himself over and over! She's no prize, but she doesn't whine about him so she gets bonus points in my book.

One day LiverLips came in to get another loan, and somewhere along the way his little mind had a few misfires. He said, out of the blue, "I bet I make two or three times what you do!" I was taken aback, both by the complete absurdity of his statement and the total rudeness of it. Couple that with the fact that nothing about me is any of his business, I simply replied that oh, you never know. He kept pressuring me about what I make, and then said, "What, seven or eight bucks an hour maybe? I make over $20 an hour!" I badly wanted to reply that I've never pawned anything in my life [UNLIKE YOU, SIR] regardless of my income status, but that would be stooping to his level of low functioning social skills so I just smiled at him. Right after that, he offered to teach me carnal activities that he claimed to be very skilled in. But he phrased it in an obscure, childish metaphorical way that made me repulsed from head to toe. It was almost like he said, "I make more money than you, wanna f*ck?" Perhaps it's just that type of low self-eseem in a woman that gets him laid? I can't imagine how else he would ever find someone willing. I entered menopause at that very moment simply from his charm.

Mom Knows Best

A mom who is as wide as she is tall (about 4' 9") has a son built just like her. He has a host of health problems, and his doctor told him he needs to lose a lot of weight. Mom said, "That won't work!" She went on to say how she's going to find another doctor.