MoronMania!

Since today is the 2nd, I guess the moron party was in full swing today thanks to all the government checks making their way into mailboxes across town. Today, I almost considered developing a drinking habit.

Where to start in the Moron Parade?

We have a regular guy who comes in every few months. He will waste your entire freaking day, because he has nothing else to do. He'll want you bring out every hand gun in the case, NOT GONNA BUY ANY but he wants to see and pet all of them, and run on at the mouth about the most innane subjects. Half the time he just makes stuff up, so you have to grin painfully and bite your tongue until it bleeds. He has a routine though; first he comes in and stands at the counter and takes off all his motorcycle gear, including a traffic vest you see on construction workers or police who work traffic. It takes him awhile to do it, because he wants you to notice him. And he mumbles the whole time so you'll notice that too. Today he stripped, and wanted to pay a bill. But he can't just pay it; he has to streeeeettttttccccchhhhhh out the process, until you want to scream. I've learned to just walk off and do something else until he finally gives up and signals that he's ready; he prefers you to be watching his every move and be ready to pounce upon him when he's ready....but my employers pay me by the hour to be productive, and watching him waste my time is not cost effective. Anyway he hands me his bill, and plops down half the amount he wants to pay, and says, "Well that's not quite enough is it?" and then he just stands there, holding the rest, like I'm supposed to giggle and bat my eyes and grab after it. He is so repulsive in his creepiness, I just cannot begin to explain it; I'd rather just go somewhere else instead of waiting to play his games. So I just stood there, pretending to read the bill, like I could care less if he pays what he needs to pay, and finally he gave up and tossed the money onto the counter. I turned to pay the bill, and I have to type in this lonnnnnnnnnggggggg account number. While I'm typing it in, he's talking to me, and then I hear him say, "Oh ok you are ignoring me, that's fine." (?? I'm f---g busy you asshat!!) I finished, turned around with his receipt, thanked him, and took a bathroom break. I had to vacate his presence. It was making me get hives!

Later another guy comes in to pay his bills, and he's a heavy mouth-breather. Normally I could care less, except that his breath is like ASS! Every exhalation was redolent of plaque, rotten food, rotten teeth, coated tongue, cigarettes, sour stomach contents, etc. My brother would say, it smells like he ate a shit sandwich. This was beyond that, this was shit sandwich with extra toppings. I think I could even smell maggots!! Have you ever smelled something where maggots are breeding? If you have you know just what smell I'm talking about and no further descriptions are necessary, thank yew! Just EW. I was trying to hold my breath but he was paying his bill in many small bills and I just can't hold my breath that long. I don't think even a Navy S.E.A.L. could make it that long! I had to turn away, take a deep breath, and hold it. He was taking so long I just walked over to my desk and lit some incense to kill the smell; by now his buddy had come up to the counter and THIS guy smelled like he hadn't been intimate with a bar of soap since Nixon was president! Throw in some sweaty feet and balls and the faint odor of old semen (probably on his crusty hands....there are no words!.....) and you can see the olfactory agony that I had to endure. Finally the Stinky Twins paid their bill but they didn't leave right away. They wanted to ask some questions about stuff they had no intention of buying. I made a mental note to raid my stash of Neutra-Air tonight and take a couple cans in tomorrow. Tomorrow is the 3rd and the entire families who get Disability will be in tomorrow, en masse!

DUMB TWATTLE came in to pick up a layaway. I dread dealing with this white trash monster. She's a dealer at a casino, but she thinks she is a Vegas showgirl judging by her outrageous makeup/jewelry/nails. She is also extremely full of crap and pretty clueless in general. She wants you to take entire trays of rings out to show her, and she asks every time even though she's been told 'one at a time' before. Today she wanted a $350 ring, but she wanted us to hold it back for her w/o putting down any money. We told her she could do a layaway, and she said, "I don't want to put any money down on it, and I suppose you aren't going to hold it for me." (Dat's right!!) So rather than the $70 she'd need, we told her she could do a layaway for $20 and even then she balked. So, I just put it back in the case (and suddenly she could put some money down!) She also asked about having a three-ring set sized down and soldered together; when we told her it would be three ring sizing charges (three rings, DUH!) she said, "Why, they'll be one ring when they are soldered." Explained to her that three rings have to be sized and THEN soldered, that it's three rings' worth of work for the jeweler; "Why? It's one ring? That's ridiculous. That doesn't make sense." No, I suppose not, when you are an idiot. Then she asked, "Will your jeweler take my diamonds?" Now you may laugh but we get dumb asses who ask this ALL THE TIME, and the same dumb asses always insist that another pawn shop or a jeweler 'stole their diamonds' when said persons had their jewelry. Maybe it happens sometimes, but very few of these people have diamonds WORTH taking. Like my brother wanted to say to one lady who asked, "You won't swap my diamonds will you?": "Maybe for some better ones" HA! Anyway Miss Casino dealer started to go on a tirade about how someone swapped her husband's diamonds...and we cut her off. Just please STFU! The stuff they have in pawn is SO not worth swapping anything out of, but she seems to think otherwise. I wish sometimes that we had a remote control and we could just hit MUTE on some of these dumb twattles who come in and run their mouths.

Yesterday a regular came in to redeem some pawns in her boyfriend's name. She also related that her husband had recently died and she was receiving widow's compensation from the VA since he had VA retirement. Yeah you do the math on that; she was living with a boyfriend while still married to her husband and now that he's dead, she gets over $600 a month in federal benefits. Sounds kind of soap opera-ish doesn't it? Well we get a call from her boyfriend later; actually several calls but he's so drunk he seems unable to speak, so we had to keep hanging up on him. Today he came in and tried to be a little bit belligerent but we put the quash on that right fast. (I do not tolerate drunks well and it's just easier to be firm and stern with them than to entertain mood swings or abuse.) He said his woman claimed movies were missing out of their pawn and he was told he needed to look at home. What's so funny is that just the other day he came in and did a pawn and told me he needed 'medicine'. Later I saw him walking by the shop carrying a bag from the liquor store down the way. Yeah, medicine! He was getting the shakes!

Later a rough looking woman came in with a cheap air tool and an ANCIENT lap top. From a distance I could tell this was one OLD lap top, just wasn't sure how old. When I opened it up and saw the Win98 sticker, I told her whoa can't take that, sorry. She would not accept 'no' for an answer. I told her it was too old for us to take. She kept insisting and asking, "Well what would you give me for it? What would you give me?" I told her nothing, because it's too old, we don't take them that old. "Well what would you give me for THIS one? Just what would you give me?" I told her sorry, it's too old. "Why?" I told her, "It's a dinosaur". She said, "I thought it was Windows?" (HUH???) I told her that thing was at least eight years old or older, it was too old to be anything more than a door stop. (thinking that just laying it out would get through to her.) "But it works fine, you can't give me ANYTHING for this?" I told her, I'll give you a trash bag for it. And she finally shut up about the lap top. Then they looked up her tool and found out it goes new for $46, which was a $10 loan. "Ten dollars? That's one of the best tools they make! You can't give me $40?!?!" When she was told it was a cheap Chinese tool, she started to argue. My brother called out from the back room, "Pass on it, we have too many anyway". When they start to act like that, we pass on loaning or buying the item. If they want to act like that they can go elsewhere and abuse people who might just abuse them back but we are not going to tolerate it, it happens all day long and the days of taking that are LONG over around here! So I told her, "They sell new for under $50, we only loan up to 20% of retail, and he's decided to pass on it as we have too many as it is." So she says quickly, "I'll take the $10. I have five kids to feed." (They ALWAYS have 'kids to feed' or 'medicine to buy' when they want to score a rock!) Then she pulls out a driver's license for another state. Sorry, no dice! She insists she just moved here four days ago; sorry but we need our state's license in order to do business with you. She was not a happy camper when she left. Sigh.

Guy pushes on our door; he pushes and pushes. Problem is, you have to P-U-L-L to open it. There is a sign right on the door that says so. Dumbass finally gets the door open and proclaims, "You need to get a sign on that door so people know which way it opens!" I told him, there IS a sign on the door, a big silver and red one. He ignored me. Guess Obvious hurts.

My favorite was yesterday: two of our customers tried to do a drug deal right in front of me. I told the dude trying to push pills that he had better leave and never do that in our store again and he had the nerve to laugh and tell me to chill out. He's trying to buy the other guy's Percodans and trade him some methadone right there in the store! WTF?? And there are kids around, this guy was SO stoned he did not even care that people could hear and see everything he did. He's too dumb to be a drug dealer! It will be like drug dealer Darwinism when he's busted. I did eventually make him a believer that I was serious about his activities in our place of business. Whatta tool!! Unfortunately we have to see him every stinking month. And every month he's high as a kite, reeking of pot, and thinking no one can tell he's stoned out of his gourd. What is sad is that he's on total VA disability for wounds he suffered in combat. He could be doing a lot more with his life than selling drugs and getting arrested for causing fights all over town. Not to mention he drives while on Xanax and a multitude of other prescribed drugs, and he smokes dope constantly. He's a four-wheeled time bomb going to hurt someone someday. He'll be a lucky bastard and survive because he was so stoned and high. Ugh.

Signing off for the night; tomorrow is going to be the Day of a Thousand Morons. I can feel it. I also feel a raging case of PMS coming on, just in time to deal with an endless parade of welfare abusers, crack whores, drunk idiots, and just plain shallow-end-of-the-gene-pool dwellers. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!