More Stupid Customer Tricks

*We have a regular who just drives.me.crazy.!! He thinks he's Eminem. (NO, correction, he loves Insane Clown Posse and thinks Eminem is a "p*ssy", I forgot he and I had this conversation. Sorry.) I think we'll call him Slim Shady just to annoy him. Slim has done jail time, he's a felon, and he thinks that his felony record is the reason why he can't keep a job. Yes that's right, plenty of people HIRE him, but he can't hold a job to save his life. Let's just blame it on his felony record and not, oh, poor work ethic.

He actually LOOKS like what you'd expect if Eminem developed a serious meth problem and lost about 100 pounds. I made the mistake of telling him he looked like Eminem, which set him off. At any rate he's a real scam and a half. If he wants to get a loan on something, we never offer enough because don't you know, he paid about $1000 for everything, even if it retails for $19.99. If we are selling something, however, we are just trying to rip him off. And don't even try to tell him you won't take something he's trying to get a loan on, somehow in his mind if he just bullies you long enough and hard enough, you'll give in. He doesn't do it to me anymore because I say, "Slim, why do we do this every time?" But he does it to everyone else and it's maddening. His new favorite game is to come into the store and say, "I'll give you ___, tax included, for this, that's all I've got". Usually for very expensive Xbox 360, Wii, and PS3 games.
Normally his offer is $20, and these games retail for $60 new and we have them priced way, way below that. He did it again yesterday and I told him no, we are very competitive and have them priced at less than half of new. He immediately became indignant; "WHERE are they priced that? I'd like to see THAT!" I told him Wal-Mart for one. He scoffed and said, "Nah they ain't that much there." (Yes they are, I just put that game out.) He said, "Seriously, twenty bucks is all I have." Now, per usual, he is REEKING of freshly-toked pot. Obnoxiously stinky! So I told him we have plenty of other games for less than $20. "I want this one, man." I smiled and said, "Well that one is $29.95 plus tax if you want it." He argued and bitched and whined and even said so-and-so game store has that game cheaper (they sell OLD Xbox games for more than we sell NEW Xbox 360 games for!). I told him wow, you better go get that game at SoandSo if you can find it for less there! He stood at the counter glaring at me and then tried the wheedle and cajole, "Seriously, seriously, $20 is all I have, I'll take this game right here, right now!" I laughed and siad, "I bet you would!" Then he tried being rude and obnoxious again, doing the "I"m a good customer" routine, etc. Finally I'd had enough and said, "That cologne you are wearing is REALLY EXPENSIVE, maybe you ought to stop buying bags of it and save up for the games you want." He went over, put back the $29.95 game and bought a $12.95 game without further comment, and left. The smell lingered forever.

*Darel Lucas (yes I'm going to use his name because he's such a douchebag scammer!) came in wanting a loan. I told him on the phone what he needed to have; a current paycheck stub, his bank statement dated this month from a bank that is here in town, etc. What did he bring in? A paycheck stub showing paydate through 12/25/09, and an often-photocopied piece of paper purporting to be from his bank. Only, this 'bank' is in some other state, and this paper was dated 12/2009. There weren't even any transactions after 12/10-09. Now, Darel has an attitude right off the bat when he came in, like he's a little gangbanger, and he didn't even really try to hide his nasty attitude. He seemed like he was prepared for the inevitable 'NO" he was going to get. Not only that, he's one of those folks who talk like they have crap in their mouths, like forming whole, understandable words is just too much effort for them and their mouth is lazy.

SO, I ask him, "Is this your most recent paycheck stub?"
Darel: yieh. (This is "Yeah", but the lazy way.)
me: This is dated for last year, over a month ago.
Darel: Yieh. So.
me: Do you have anything more recent? This shows you get paid every two weeks and this pay date ends 12-25-09.
Darel: No dat's it dats what you axed for. (You get the idea. It kills me to type like that, I'm going to pretend he's not talking with crap in his mouth, for your sanity and mine)
me: Well Darel if this is your most recent paycheck stub then you aren't employed right now.
Darel: I have another one somewheres, a new one. I can go get it.
me: Ok well why don't you go get that?
Darel stands there staring at me like I hadn't said anything.

Then I pick up the bank statement and ask him, do you have a recent one? He is already lousy with attitude at this dumb white bitch busting his chops and he starts to lose it.
Darel: that's what you wanted, that's what I brung.
me: yes, on the phone I mentioned we needed a bank statement, recent, and not printed or copied or photocopied like this, and from a bank here in town.
Darel: I don't got no bank here, this is from Washington! I told you that! (??) Where I gonna get a statement, they in Washington! I ain't got no bank here! Why you tell me that, I can't get that!
Me: I'm sorry you came all the way down here, that's why I tell you on the phone before you drive down here, so you don't waste your time.
Darel: No you said it just had to be stamped by a local bank and it is, see? they faxed that. that's all I have and they ain't here, so how can I have it if it's in Washington? (huh??)
Me: repeats what I told him on the phone. He is shaking his head and starting to poke the papers on the counter HARD with each word. Please don't stand in front of me with a do rag on and pants hanging to your knees and be a jerk like this is going to bully me into doing what you want....
Darel: You told me on the phone and that's what I brung, now you change your story?
Me: (tiring of this old game of "I can talk circles and say nothing") I see here you have an overdraft. SO even if this was a local bank-and it certainly isn't-and even if this was a current statement-it certainly isn't, with an overdraft I am unable to write a loan for you.
Darel; Man are you serious, this is serious bullshit, you didn't say none a' this shit on the phone, now you changing you story? How'm I spose to do anything? You say I need a local bank well I ain't got one, this one in Washington, how that my fault, how I spose to know this when you change your story?
Me: Darel, it shows no recent activity on your account since December, and it ends with a negative balance.
Darel: See that's all they gave me that's all I got, how can I help that? That ain't my fault!
Me: Well what I would suggest is taking your paperwork to another company and see what they say, I'm sure someone else is not as picky as we are. This paperwork is simply not current and I need something not dated 2009, wherever it may come from. I'm sorry that I'm unable to help you with a loan at this time.
Darel: Company, what company? What other company, what you talking about, other company?
Me: Other loan companies.
Darel: I already have four other loans, you aren't helping me at all. This is some bullshit, man!
Me: Four other paycheck loans? Wow. I'm sorry, if you have that many I wouldn't be able to write you at all. That's way too many.
Darel: mumbling and cursing (making sure we could hear the CURSE part) as he saunters away from the counter.
Me: Perhaps you need to lay off the paycheck loans? That's way too many. DIG DIG.
Darel: mutters something that sounds suspiciously like he's telling a female dog to have intercourse with herself...

Then, another one of our customers who had been looking at the sunglasses said very loudly, "Or try getting a job!" I love it when one of our regular customers says something to a jerky person as they leave. It's so...satisfying.
Yes, Darel, it's all our fault, it's not your fault that you brought in old, outdated paperwork trying to get a loan and stick us with it since you obviously are not employed at that place any longer, nor do you really still have this bank account (if you ever did). I'm so sorry that sitting there and acting like a persecuted victim...gasp, you didn't TELL ME ALL THIS ON THE PHONE....didn't work this time. I know it works so well in all other walks of life. (eye roll)